REAL MADRID BRUTALISED BY ARSENAL

MIKEL ARTETA DELIVERS MOST COMPELLING WIN OF THE EMIRATES ERA

Arsenal absolutely battered Real Madrid, with Mikel Merino leading the line in what can only be described as the greatest performance we’ve seen from Arsenal at the Emirates.

Arsenal were depleted in the spinal positions of the team. Jakub Kiwior isn’t any old centre-back — he’s the last-resort guy we were trying to shift to Crystal Palace last summer. If fit, it’s fair to say Tomiyasu and Calafiori would have started ahead of him, and if we had more defenders available, we might have seen Saliba move over.

Mikel Merino isn’t some player who played as a striker in his youth days — he’s a striker of last resort because we lost two of our other makeshift 9s to BRUTAL injuries. Arteta literally looked at his profile and said, “Yeah, if you squint, it kind of looks like Kai Havertz.”

Most teams would be done for in that situation. The best they could hope for would be a light spanking. At best, a score draw. Maybe a win so disgusting you’d have to look away shamefully at the xG numbers.

But this isn’t any old team. This isn’t any old manager. Arsenal didn’t just beat Madrid — they knocked them to the ground and kicked their lifeless body into the River Thames.

… and an extra funny victory, given Madrid’s bizarre use of the London skyline to promote the most expensively assembled team in the world coming to London.

My belief? Madrid thought they’d spank us. They thought they’d roll into London, like the Galácticos of way back when, and deal us a serious hammering for the ages.

Things didn’t go well for them. My pregame commentary was that they would be happy for Arsenal to have the ball, because they play in rapid transition. My thought process was that no team at this stage of the tournament would come to play a deep block — that was for the other Madrid side we’d avoided.

I was right on one count. Madrid had one idea… hope we made a mistake and kick it long to the fast boys. But I didn’t expect their shape, from the first minute, to be a Sam Allardyce deep block from his Bolton era.

Think about that for a second… Madrid, playing a deep block, against Arsenal.

They needed that approach because we absolutely dominated them in every phase of play. Our midfield ran the show. Camavinga looked lightweight and out of his depth. Luka Modrić looked every bit like a 40-year-old veteran in a Life Aid charity match. He was so ruffled by Arsenal, he spent most of the first half hiding in the back five because he couldn’t get his team out of our press.

Did they get chances? They did. Madrid will always find openings. The openings didn’t come from squad player errors — they came from Saka, Saliba, Timber, and Ødegaard doing sloppy bits in dangerous areas. But Arsenal were excellent at getting back to cover. Our keeper did his job. And Madrid’s attackers didn’t have the margins go their way for their slim pickings.

Arsenal limited them to 0.5 xG. That’s more than enough to do damage when you have Vini Jr, Bellingham, and Mbappé in your starting XI — but it wasn’t going to help them last night.

Madrid only had one sustained phase of play in the first half, but according to field tilt via FotMob, it really wasn’t that scary. The only moment that really led to an underwear near-miss was when Bellingham clipped Mbappé clear on goal, the Frenchman opened his body like Thierry, and drilled it right at Raya. Quite poor by his standards… but he’s no Merino, right?

Arsenal had the better chances. We were causing them all sorts of problems from corners. Saka nearly put a ball under the bar inside five minutes. We had another chance that bobbled in the area before being accidentally cleared by Saliba.

Saka created two unreal chances when he fizzed the ball to the back post twice. The first time, Martinelli didn’t attack when he should have. The second time he attacked, and the ball went behind him. Our best chance that tested the keeper was Timber crossing to Declan, whose header forced a full-length dive and parry from Courtois.

We were by far the better team in the first half, and my overriding feeling was:

1. if only we had a striker

2. we’d need to be more aggressive if we were going to get anything out of the game.

The second half didn’t see a let-up from Arsenal’s side, and what was delightful to see was the “Gods” who were looking down on London in their pregame video were looking pretty f*cking gassed in the second half. They aren’t used to being worked the Arsenal way. If you catch us on a good day, every single player has to defend — and that simply isn’t this current iteration of Madrid.

They’re a team of individual talent who win through sheer character and brilliance… but that doesn’t pay the bills against a team that also boasts brilliance and has the monstrous work ethic as well.

But… the thing that broke the deadlock was Saka winning two freekicks for Arsenal, and Declan Rice ripping up the script and writing a scene all by himself. He just fucking banged it. This was no ordinary bang. He used the inside of his boot to curl a ball four yards wide of the far post, around the wall, fizzing it back in like PEAK Roberto Carlos. And guess what? Actual Roberto Carlos was in the stands! We’ve waited three years to see a freekick go in like that, and my word was it worth the wait!

We nearly capitalised on the lead. Myles squeezed a ball through a batch of legs on the edge of their area, Martinelli let rip, Courtois parried into the path of Merino, who half-volleyed back at goal. Courtois saved again low, it pinged back to Merino for the follow-up, and he hit the target again — but it was tipped over. World-class keeping, you have to say.

Saka’s final intervention of the evening was him moving centrally with the ball, doubling back on himself towards goal, and drawing a foul that gave Camavinga a booking. It also put Dekkers in range.

The big man stepped up again. Ødegaard told him to cross it, Nico Jover was flapping like a seagull outside a chip shop for Declan to whip a ball in… but Saka told him, “If you feel it, go for it.” Guess what he did? He went for it — and stuck it so tightly into the top right-hand corner, a keeper only gets to it 3% of the time.

Crazy that we’ve watched Ødegaard rattle these strikes into walls consistently for three years, but never thought to give a chance to the guy who consistently hits the target from corners. Well, better late than never — we have a new freekick KING. Only three players have scored two freekicks in a single Champions League game: Ronaldinho, Rivaldo, and Cristiano. Add Sir Declan Rice to that list.

Our final goal of the night was Declan’s surging run into Madrid’s half that ended in a pass to Trossard. The Belgian found Myles, Myles found Merino, Merino found the bottom corner from ten yards with a perfect finish!

Mikel Merino running around the corner flag after scoring the third goal against Madrid.

To think there were folks arguing we should have signed Mathys Tel on loan for £10m. Jokers. No striker that moved in January has more goals than Merino — and none of them has scored against Madrid in a Champions League quarter-final.

So, Arsenal ended the game with the clean sheet I thought would be important, but we also exited with three goals that I didn’t think were possible. That was the biggest victory we’ve had at the Emirates Stadium — and maybe the most symbolic. That was a coaching masterclass that should cement Arteta’s name in your top 3 coaches in the world, if he wasn’t already there. That win tells you that, despite the negativity this season, we are well on our way to being one of the best teams on the planet.

No game is ever finished, but you’d imagine that we have enough of our best defenders available to exit the second leg without conceding three goals. Opta has Arsenal down as 96% likely to make the semi-finals. They also noted that no team has ever had 11 shots on target against Madrid in the Champions League.

Going away to their place comes with concerns, no doubt — but let’s be real here, they’re going to be terrified about the return leg. It won’t have the youthful legs of Camavinga in midfield, and will likely have Modrić starting again.

Rodrygo was unimpressive. Jude Bellingham looked mostly lightweight and uninteresting. Kylian Mbappé is an amazing player, but he’s not about that hard-work life, and it dragged Madrid down. Vini Jr? Not Ballon d’Or material. The only player that really impressed for them was their veteran keeper, who kept an embarrassing scoreline a little bit reasonable.

In the excitement, it’s also worth noting that injuries have led us to playing an 18-year-old at left back. MLS was one of the players of the evening. That was his 21st start as a professional first-teamer at Arsenal. He was outrageous. He used his strength against sly old dogs, he was brave with his progressive passing, he was cool under pressure — and he even had Jude Bellingham trying to get him sent off. I did NOT like the Paramount commentators insinuating he has a temper problem… that’s hot air. The guy is incredibly mature on the pitch.

Look at his numbers:

• 100% tackles won

• 100% dribbles completed

• 95% pass accuracy

• 4 duels won

• 2 key passes

• 1 clean sheet

• 1 assist

Declan Rice was my man of the match without the freekicks. But my word, weren’t they incredible? That’s a man high on confidence, playing his best football. Incredible how he got himself there after that dreadful performance against West Ham a few weeks ago. He’s virtually unplayable when he’s like that. He covers so much ground, his speed is underrated, and his skillset is undervalued. The technique is ridiculous. David Moyes was right when he said he’s two players in midfield; I’m just not sure we thought he could be an 8, a 6, and a striker all in one game.

We also can’t ignore the contributions of Thomas Partey — quick, incisive passing, solid defensive play, and all-round control of the game. He’s having a sublime season that I’ve found hard to get attached to because I worry about his fragility, but he just dropped another 8 out of 10. Ødegaard wasn’t at his peak, especially in the first half when he was trying too hard, but he kept the pace of the game moving, even if he was unspectacular.

But to return to the top of the post — the two players that deserve the most credit are our last-resort centre-back, who was being stalked by Mbappé and stood up to the test… and our makeshift number 9, who scored his eighth goal of the season — his sixth since being made a number 9. Both were excellent. No drama. Good passing. Excellent confidence. You cannot beat Madrid if you are carrying passengers — and those two were a long way from being passengers. That speaks to their personal character, it shines a positive light on the ‘next man up’ culture at Arsenal, and it says a lot about Arteta and how he gets players into the right space for big games.

Think back to last year when we exited to Bayern Munich. Remember the demands we put on the club? We needed more star power, more pace, more bang-bang events to happen in a Champions League that demands it. Well, maybe we were wrong — because it seems like the deciding factor against one of the best teams in the world was a little bit more maturity, a bit more belief, and an aggressive FUCK YOU to overly choreographed football.

I’m not saying we win the next leg. I don’t know if we go through. But in a shit season, this sort of win goes a very long way to reassuring the weak-kneed fans that the project isn’t over. It’ll convince players — who were already convinced — that the project we’re building is still the hottest in Europe. And it’ll send a message to the best players in the world that Arsenal is the move this summer.

All eyes on the second semi-final, where PSG must beat Aston Villa so Unai Emery can’t ruin my life again. Let’s see what they’ve got.

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