DAS IST ENGLAND

NEW ERA AND IT'S SAUCY

England, with a German manager – are you mad?

Thomas Tuchel is the new top geezer for England. It’s not quite the Brexit trappings I was promised, but I’m damn near elated we’ve brought in one of the world’s best managers in to take the club to the next level is the next level. Hopefully, he can convince Benny Blanco to return to the starting XI.

Can you believe all the Lee Carsley propaganda from a few weeks ago? Unreal. People really went there.

The FA has pulled off a power move here. Tuchel has a generation of players who can actually reach finals because they’re genuinely outrageously talented. He brings a different level of thinking to international football, something Southgate never quite had. The question is, can he keep all the players onside, and can he unlock that extra bit of oomph we know the boys need?

Will he sing the national anthem? If I speak...

It’s incredible to see pundits like Carragher and Neville spitting feathers over this hire. Who are the credible alternatives for this group of players? Eddie Howe? The guy they’re already trying to move on from at Newcastle? Graham Potter? A talented manager, sure, but he was completely gazumped by the Chelsea job because people were mean to him on Instagram. Frank Lampard? You’ll find better tactical setups in a box of Lego.

There aren’t many spicy English managers at the highest level right now. Name me an England manager who could hold court in front of the English press with the eloquence of Tuchel? Tell me of an English manager who could outthink a German tactician like him? He’s a star. The closest thing to Wenger in terms of aura and prestige. I’m all for hiring the best person for the job. If they’re English, it’s a bonus. If they’re German? Who cares, as long as they give 100% to the job?

I know some of you are either tuning out or assuming I’m denigrating the greatest nation on earth – I’m not. Declan Rice switched nationalities after playing for Ireland in 2019. Jack Grealish? Same story. How about Jack Reynolds in 1892?

If you’re truly English, you’ll take a bite of your Greggs sausage roll, down a pint of Boddingtons, and embrace Tommy T as our saviour.

DAS IST ENGLAND!

In other news, Jonas is out for the Arsenal Women. The players didn’t like him, the fans turned toxic, and the final nail in the coffin was a shockingly low turnout of around 30,000 for a match that had sold out last season (still four times the average, which shows how magnetic our women’s team has been). No idea who they’ll bring in next, but they need a galvanising figure to bring some joy back to a very talented squad.

We’re now two days past that nasty Tomi rumour, and there’s been no denial or follow-up from any reliable club source. I’m bracing for impact. You could pick any point in the season, with zero insider knowledge, say Tomi has suffered a serious injury, and have a 75% chance of being right. It’s heartbreaking, but the pattern is so serious at this point, I can’t imagine he’ll ever fully recover. It feels like Kieran Tierney all over again, and it’s tragic. Top athletes just want to play, and when their bodies betray them, it’s not their fault. I’m just glad his absence this season doesn’t hurt us as much as it might have in the past.

The most important player to have back on the pitch is Bukayo Saka, followed closely by Gabi Martinelli. We already know the English superstar with generational talent will be there for the weekend because he’s made of magical stuff. As for Martinelli, the fact that he wasn’t flown home immediately suggests, thankfully, that his injury isn’t too serious.

This next video requires a trigger warning, because it’s about grief. I wanted to share it because I know many readers are going through things, often in silence because majority of you are English and of a stiff upper lip nature. This mindset from Luis Enrique was too beautiful not to share. Wise words. x

Right, it’s a slow news day, so you should check out this podcast with Elliot Richardson. I believe this was his first Arsenal podcast – but you’d never guess. He’s an incredibly successful businessman, with credentials across finance, sport, and tech. He sold his company, Dugout, to OneFootball, and they’re doing fantastic things in the global content space. The podcast dives into Arsenal’s rebuild and the evolving landscape of the content game.