ARSENAL DESTROY PSV AND REBUILD MOMENTUM

ARSENAL THROUGH TO THE NEXT ROUND OF UCL - AMAZING, RIGHT?

The world might be imploding around us, my stonks might be in the gutter, I definitely have the shingles after licking a bus seat in Texas… but who the f*ck cares when The Arsenal deliver a masterclass in Holland like the one we just witnessed?

I have absolutely ZERO faith we’ll do anything in the Champions League past this round, so I’m going to max out on joy like those Wrexham fans did when they beat us in the 90s before Hollywood got their hands on their story.

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No one really expected us to come flying out of the traps the way we did—but it finally happened. Everything went our way. We scored seven goals off less than 2 xG, MLS was inexplicably not sent off for a nailed-on second yellow, PSV missed a few sitters, and we picked up zero injuries.

Mikel Arteta was quite clear before the game that he’d given the players some time off and had done very little in the way of training:

With the schedule we had, we could give most of the players some time off after the last game, then do the preparation we normally do. It’s true we had more time, so we focused a lot on ourselves—not just game plans and short training sessions related to the next match. That was very useful.

Did he take my advice? Maybe. Sorry, most certainly. But let’s not get into credit claims here, because the only thing we cared about was the players blasting out of the traps and playing to their potential.

Well, my word, did we get an explosive team.

Arsenal controlled the game from minute one. We were three goals up inside 35 minutes. It was a masterclass in free-flowing attacking play. We were stronger than PSV, better technically, and—my word—did we know it.

The only criticism from the opening 45 was that we were a little bit arrogant. There were some sloppy passes around PSV’s area that led to awkward transition moments, and there was some bullshit one-two passing around our own box that created uncomfortable situations.

MLS was the only red flag of the day. He took a yellow card for a sloppy mistake… then, minutes later, he dropped a pretty ropey challenge on a wide player he’d lost control of. I honestly don’t know how he escaped a red card from a ref who was consistently officious with his decisions (I hope ‘officious’ means ‘by the book’).

Needless to say, he deserved to be hooked by Mikel Arteta. The introduction of Calafiori was hardly a downgrade moment. The most amusing stat of the evening? Arsenal saw five of their left-backs on the pitch over the course of 90 minutes and scored the most goals we’ve managed all season.

Back to the narrative.

We controlled the opening 10 minutes. Declan was rolled into the box with a clever backheel from Merino. The horse cut back toward the 18-yard box, turned, and smashed across goal for the first of the night. A wonderful goal—ruled offside by that fancy automated tech we should be using in the Premier League.

Down the other end, near catastrophe as Raya palmed a cross into the path of Saibari, who hit the bar. The follow-up? Blazed wide.

We took the lead soon after. Trossard found Declan in the box in space, the galloping monster cut inside, and looped a cross to the back post for Timber to finish from a yard out. Brilliant. Even better? Watching Gabriel shout at Declan after the goal, only for Declan to turn to him, say “shut up,” and then give him a kiss. Couple of old queens.

The next goal came down the left again. Trossard found MLS in the box with a reverse pass into space. MLS controlled the ball like Alex Hleb, shimmied into space, then cut the perfect ball for Ethan to wallop home right-footed like peak Alexis Sánchez. Two Hale End besties making dreams happen as teenagers. Unreal.

Did Ethan tap the badge? Damn right he did. What a KING.

Our next goal was born of pure uncut desire. Timber was tackled in the PSV box, got up, won it back, hit the ball into a sea of legs, PSV tried to clear, missed, and Merino was lurking, tucking the ball under the keeper with a lovely swept shot.

Wow. Is he… as good as Romário? Maybe.

Then, dimness struck. Partey got caught in some shoving match from a set-piece and gave away a penalty. I don’t think that’s a foul in the Premier League, but against a strict ref, you have to accept that’s what can happen. Noah Lang Alan Shearer’d his penalty home, and for a moment, I feared our arrogance might be our undoing.

Well, four minutes into the second half and it the game was over (and my hot take). Ethan Nwaneri drilled a low cross into the path of Benitez, he spilled it, and Ødegaard did not dither with his finish. A nice goal. Merino’s work in the build-up was a very good pre-assist, IMO.

The next goal was like watching an aging wrestler come back for WrestleMania with an injury to show off some magic one last time. Martin Ødegaard, struggling with baby fatigue, dropped some backheel magic for a one-two with Calafiori, which led to the Italian feeding Trossard—who finished like a man fresh out of elocution lessons (did that make sense, like, he’s had lessons on eating stuff, and he ate the food damn good?)

The sixth was an actual Merino assist. But really, all the talk was about Ødegaard bearing down on goal and doing something my dad does at the Christmas table—letting rip and seeing what happens. His second goal felt important, like this might be the shift we’ve been waiting for. Could this be the moment the real Martin stands up? Hopefully.

The final goal? A Martin assist—the type we want to see. A ball in behind, to a full-back who thinks he’s a striker, with a perfect finish.

What. A. Night.

Let me be clear. There is a zero percent chance we’re winning the Champions League. I’ll get Lez Foggin’ Go tattooed on my ankle like a 2010 Everton night club groupie if we do. But I won’t need to, because it’s impossible, and I’m not going to gas myself up again this season after the cold turkey meat sweats I suffered when our Premier League season ended.

But… we can enjoy the moment. The momentum from that result will help us against United this weekend and give us some breathing room for the Chelsea game the following week. The win was so aggressive, we can now ponder which Madrid we want in the next round (dear god, please don’t be Atlético).

Some quick thoughts on players – I thought Declan Rice was outrageous. He looked fresh, aggressive, and extremely naughty in that left 8/striker position he was occupying. He’s a nightmare. A physical monster with a great final ball. There’s a lot of work to be done with him in the more advanced role, but it’s hard to watch games like that and not see a glimmer of someone who could be a nightmare for big teams moving forward.

Ethan Nwaneri and MLS are very, very special. Don’t care about the MLS discipline issues—some of our very best have been red-card curious over the years. What I love is two players who bleed Arsenal, living out their dreams at a high level in a Champions League last-16 game. They are a sensational pairing, and there is nothing more glorious in football than seeing top young players breaking into the first team.

Jurrien Timber is so consistently brilliant, I find it boring writing about him. He’s one of the best technicians in the world. He moves like Jesus, defends like Patrice Evra, and contributes to every phase of play. I just can’t believe no one noticed him except Arsenal. What a talent.

Last player shoutout is for Martin Ødegaard. Listen, having a kid, as you all know, f*cks you up. I’m on my second, and I am totally broken at the minute. Martin is on his first—he’s Scandi, so he’ll be a progressive young man trying to muck in (like me)… and it has shown in his performances. Arsenal knew his wife was pregnant heading into the season and still chose to sell all our creative backup options. We need a fix there, but the good news is, now that his kid is sleeping through the night, we’re finally getting the good output. Long may it continue—that was mostly a great evening from the Norwegian captain.

I don’t have a big meandering finish to this post—just two key points.

1️⃣ Fresh players win trophies. Mikel Arteta eased off the gas with training, and a team that turned over Juve with some lovely football totally collapsed against our depleted forward line. There’s a lesson there, and I hope Mikel knows it.

2️⃣ If we can sort the small things, big things will follow. Arteta coached a masterclass without a large chunk of his forwards. Don’t underestimate how good the coaching is. You might watch things served up by an algorithm that favors shitty football opinions, but if you hear people talk about sacking Arteta, they are totally delusional. We shouldn’t be where we are in the Premier League, and we shouldn’t be where we are in the Champions League. Injuries have been our marginal fck-up this season, and that responsibility sits with Arteta.

But when we fix that this summer with world-class recruits—and a new Sporting Directos tells Mikel he has to manage player loads better—we’ll be at the promised land. That much, I am sure about. Arteta is a top 3 coach in the world, no doubt.

Let’s see what he’s got for the weekend and if this is true momentum that’ll carry us to April when Martinelli and Saka should return.

Ok, that’s me done. See you in the comments.

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🎙️ AOP | PSV (A) | ON THE WHISTLE