I’m sitting at my laptop, and I won’t moan.
But come on?
Arsenal dropping the ‘Dog ate my designs’ 2018 away kit line.
What are the lads at Puma thinking?
This looks like the sort of sportswear my mum would buy for the start of year 8.
‘Well, I thought it looked natty’
Geez Mum, I’m already getting wedgied for the extra-special braces and velcro shoes, how could you do this to me?
FFS. I’m trying my hardest to button up the moaning, but it feels like every other day Puma drop a new monstrosity for the fuck-you-very-much victory lap.
Anyway, let’s crack into Unai Emery. I’m gonna go all Buzzfeed up in this bitch.
5 things that Unai Emery needs to address:
The only superstar in Wales these days is down to the final year of his deal. There’s no doubt he’s looking at the fat mega pay cheque part-timer Mesut Ozil just dropped thinking, damn, I want to get me some of that sweet sugar.
Knowing that Arsenal can only raise their wage bill £7m a season, I find it highly unlikely we’re going to drop £300k a week on a player who spends a lot of time injured. The leak from The Sun claimed Unai wanted to build the squad around Aaron’s engine, so it’s going to be interesting to see what they do there.
My gut feel says he’ll be moved on so we can crank up that weak transfer pot and free up some cash money. We could easily get £50m for him, that’d be good dough.
Arsene Wenger didn’t believe in captains, which I always felt was an apt position to take from a man who showed a real lack of leadership in his last 5 years. We’ve cycled through Gallas, Arteta, Mertesacker, Cech and Koscielny. With the Frenchman out for the foreseeable, and our #1 likely on the chopping board, it’ll be very interesting to see who takes on the armband.
My preference is someone who actually plays, that’d be a good start. It looks like the options are basically Aaron, Ramsey, or Aaron Ramsey. I don’t see a lot of leadership outside those three.
Lord of the Spare Key, Granit Xhaka, had a pretty awful season last year. I think he had more assists than Ramsey, but, you know, for the opposition.
You sure are Pedro, you sure are.
The Swiss midfielder needs a career reboot, Emery is apparently a major fan according to legendary ITK Kike Marin, so it’ll be interesting to see how he develops him. The biggest challenge he has is physical, he has no acceleration, and he’s a bit of a ding-dong when it comes to positioning. A lot of that comes from having played in Lucian Favre system where you’d get screamed at for being 5 yards out of position in training, to playing under Wenger who had no tactical system outside ‘express yourself.’
Also, Xhaka is a very fit player, he always plays… captain material?
The German international takes more short breaks than my retired Dad. I’m not sure the new man is going to take that sort of nonsense. It’s very doubtful he’ll afford him the same freedom to do what he wants on and off the pitch. The #10 is dead unless you want to be a workhorse, which isn’t Ozil’s bag. Will he opt for a wide right position? Will he play deeper? Or will the club try and shift him on for a fee?
The German won’t be tolerated in the new setup if he doesn’t pull his weight, and the new head coach will pull him off if his fitness or effort levels are flagging. Ozil is just one of many now, no special treatment for a player on so much damn cash.
Cech has been given the #1 jersey, but as John McEnroe would say, ‘HE CAN’T PLAY WITH HIS FEET AND HIS REFLEXES HAVE GONE’, so let’s see how long that lasts.
We need a keeper who can keep us in games, we need someone who can act as a sweeper, we need someone who can bring the ball down from 40 yards, stun it, and break the lines like a keeping version of peak Zidane.
The universe of great keeping passed Cech by, you’re not teaching someone those new skills in their mid-thirties. We need a modern take on a keeper, and that looks more like Allison and Ederson than it does Cech.
DM me, bruh:
Arsenal made a massive hash of a DM during Wenger’s terror reign. The club thought Xhaka and Coq would be a better alt than Kante, so we passed on the Frenchman. Oh how that stung. We need to address that deep-lying midfielder. We need someone with power, pace and smooth bald head. I think AMN is the future, he has it all. Recovery pace, aggression, footballing intelligence and that cool/calm composure usually only associated with elite riflemen. He could be the answer… or the club could go big with an unknown from the Bundesliga.
Will Arsenal take a chance on youth? Let’s see…
Right, that’s me done, see you tomorrow you sexy beasts. x