I’m worried about you.

Please, come in, close the door.

Be honest with me.

How many times did you refresh Twitter yesterday?

Can you tell me why you took you laptop into the toilet cubicle? People heard you crying.

Show me your web history…

I’m going to be honest, I think you have a problem.

We all do.

… but, you can always break up the monotony of a boring January by taking a moment to laugh at Spurs.

Antonio Conte identified Adama Traore as a good fit to be the new Victor Moses as a right-wing-back. I don’t care how poor the greased-up wingers’ numbers have been, that’s a scary prospect, whilst at the same time a damning indictment of Emerson Royal who they purchased for £35m.

David Ornstein announced today that Spurs have been gazumped by Barcelona. Their deal is off and we have 4 days left of the window. Can you imagine Conte in the staff canteen trying to understand why Spurs bid £15m and the deal ended at £35m?

Honestly, there is no worse fit in football than the ultimate chequebook manager and Daniel Levy. I love it.

… still, what you do have to say in defence of Levey is this: He hired two super-agent powered managers back to back and he is dealing with the consequences of their shoddy transfer reccomendations. I’m not surprised he doesn’t want to go and spend more money with Jorge Mendes.

Still, we can’t laugh too hard. We’ve blitzed our squad. This list of exits, on the face of it, is very impressive work. I mean, the fees are non-existent, but the players are quite poor. We’ve asked for a clear out of deadwood and we are basically nearly done.

Those names might not be the last of it. Auba, Eddie, Leno, Chambers, and Cedric call all easily leave this window.

The problem is we’re really light squad-wise. We are an errant sneeze away from a disaster. We are a hamstring ping away from a crisis. I’m not sure it’s realistic to have top 4 aspirations if the only way we can do it is hope that we preserve 15 players for 5 months in a brutal league.

The rumours are flying though…

There’s talk about Douglas Luiz, but that’s countered by stories that Villa have opened talks with him over a new deal, so that feels like agent talk now.

There’s a very weird story coming out of Italy at the moment that Granit Xhaka and Mikel Arteta have fallen out and his move to Roma might be back on. I mean, that’d put some context on the double red card this month. I’m not sure how much I believe the story, moving on Xhaka right now, whilst trying to extract Neves feels ambitious. We’re also due to play Wolves twice, that’d damage them. But who knows. The Portuguese midfielder would be an absolute upgrade on Granit, of that, there can be no doubt. I just think the story sounds a bit like a teenage Football Manager fantasy.

Still, the Neves story has been persistent. The Athletic also say we’re still interested. He fits our profile of signings perfectly. Wolves seem keen to move on players, they are a selling club, and the player has 2.5 years on his deal which is usually time to sign a new deal or get moved on. Jorge Mendes is too shrewd to let a player run down their contract, and we know his MO is to extract fees from moving lots of players through his web of clubs. So we’ll see, it’d be a coup and half.

The big story yesterday came from David Ornstein who basically said the Arthur Melo deal was OFF. Juve didn’t want a 5-month loan, so they asked for 18 months. They also wanted Arsenal to agree to €40m purchase at the end of the deal. Edu took the loan to buy offer to the club hierachy – which I’d assume is Vinnai, Josh, Tim Lewis (the real power these days), and Richard Garlick – and was told where to go.

This story is interesting for a couple of reasons.

Firstly, I agree with the reluctance. Arthur Melo is a broken big-name player, he shouldn’t be going for superstar money, he should be a bargain. He’s likely on huge money, we know he has discipline issues, and there’s not much in his history that would indicate he’s going to smash it at Arsenal. He is broken talent, not the finished package. All the risk is on us. Coach him back to his best and there’s no bargain, and Juve has a sellable asset. Take him for 18 months and he flops, we’ve blocked the path of a youngster.

Secondly, Edu getting a spanking in the media isn’t a great sign. We know he’s not on great footing anyway. He was there for the Willian, Cedric, and Mari deals. He was very much enmeshed in Raul’s dastardly plan. The problems going on at Everton at the moment could have been ours, I have no doubt the club sees that. Last summer, everyone found out Arteta wanted Tomi and Ramsdale, and Edu wanted Emerson Royal and Neto.

These leaks look like death by a thousand cuts.

But who knows, eh?

Just a short one today, we’ll be doing a TRANSFER SPECIAL podcast this week because why the hell not?

In the meantime, listen to the podcast if you haven’t. It is GOOD.