Business travel is all about projects, to yourself, the true person you want to be.
I downloaded 10 episodes worth of Ken Burns documentaries, packed a Christopher Hitchens memoir, a notebook with a mechanical pencil for jotting down semi-important musings, and I carried my laptop so I could catch up with admin.
You know what I achieved in 2.5 hours on a packed plane? 5 Stroopwafels, 2 bags of Cheetos, 1 Nesquik milkshake, 3 episodes of Rick and Morty, all whilst tearing through a gossip magazine that totally gave me the inside scoop on Lady Gaga and Bradley Cooper’s ILLICIT courtship.
Such a sobering experience. I’m like that Chanel guy when he realised he wasn’t going to be who the people wanted him to be.
However, at least I wasn’t sitting on the internet like a transfer pervert like most of you lot were. You are fucking embarrassing, grown men, hoovering up content like it was the last line at a festival before the Klaxons arrive.
I was literally on a podcast with Dan the day before pontificating on why we’d bother with Umtiti when players like the Leipzig man and Lewis Dunk would represent better value and lower risk.
Rumour has it we’re in for him for €60, but they want more… obviously.
This player is exactly what we need. He’s built like Sol Campbell. He’s a towering figure. He has everything we want, most notably, fitness. He’d be a great partner for Sokratis this season, and by the time he’s adapted to the league, we’d be bringing Saliba to town.
Wow, wow, wow… we’d have two of the best young centre backs in France powering our backline for ten years. Saliba is 19, Upemacano is 20… that would be unreal business.
I’m so excited at the prospect I don’t know what to do.
Every time there’s a problem, Raul and Edu just deal with.
THEY ARE PUTTING ME OUT OF BUSINESS.
The only thing I’ll have left to moan about is Emery… and if that doesn’t work out this season, they simply won’t renew his deal then that’ll be sorted.
At least I’m safe in the knowledge that if it all goes to shit here, I’ll be able to land a cheeky CHIEF FOOTBALL WRITER role at any of the major news publications… amirite?
No. I’m not. An Ebola outbreak isn’t getting me that coveted role at The Daily Star and that’s the brutal truth.
Anyway, not much from me today.
See me in the comments and tell me how you’ll celebrate if we buy Upemecano!
Also, listen to the damn Podcast. No Patreon bullshit here. Just free content on the proviso you do NOT criticise the work.