It is official. Mikhi is out of the Europa League final. UEFA is kind of OK with a bit of casual racism, providing it’s putting football in countries that haven’t seen it at a high level before.
Smells bad people. Like your grandad’s nappy on a warm summer day. But are we surprised? Football’s governing bodies don’t care for anything outside cash money. FIFA literally let Qatar use slaves to build stadiums, their underlings were hardly going to buck scuzzy trends were they?
But what are Arsenal going to do about it? Boycott the game? Don’t be silly. There’s £80m riding on this match, that’s a lot of sparkly players, which is really all most British people need to forget any sort of human rights abuse questions, right people?
We were all pretty hunky dory about Silent Stan and his cute cowboy hat in the beginning— 10 years of soul destroying stagnation later, @JackMatchaBrew from St. Albans who is a disciple of beans on toast and a keen collector of vintage Panini stickers, is literally BEGGING for a man who allegedly threw an enemy in a vat of battery acid to take us out of our misery with a £190m investment in better players. We are a fickle bunch (but Jack, between me and you, I’m with you #GiveHimASeat).
It’s also a bit weird to lose your mind about this incident and be totally cool with that small sponsor from a certain country on our sleeves. I’m not saying Rwanda is a bad place, I’m not critiquing the wonderful people like an ignorant westerner, but Big Paul K, literally the Leo Messi of army generals, hasn’t exactly been Nelson Mandela of late (important read). A lot of good has gone on, no doubt, an OUTRAGEOUS turnaround job (think Rangnick taking RB from Div 4 to the Bundesliga), a progressive policy on plastic, an inviting hub for investment… but, as you’ve read, it’s not all great. 99% of the vote went to him in the last election, that kind of not great. We are taking money from a sponsor that might not be as classy as, say Emirates… no, that doesn’t work either… as say, Paddy Power… shit, they also crush lives… ok, let’s just say there’s a little bit of hypocrisy in calling for Arsenal to take a moral high ground this one time FOR NO BENEFICIAL REASON OUTSIDE FEELINGS.
… but here’s the thing, Vinai’s vision for the club is measured on feelings. If he was really ambitious, he’d shoot for this one big proud moment and take us out the comp. It’d be like the Kap advert, except we’d lose a shit tonne of money. But you know what, he won’t, and that’s my issue with the proud thing. We’re taking money from a strongman and we’ll just do our thing in Europa. I get it, I’d do the same, but my vision for Arsenal wouldn’t have been Tesco Proud Points.
We have to move forward, play the game, and shut the fuck up about all the surrounding bits and let the media start building hype about the actual match. No more sob stories about not being able to afford something expensive. No more petitions. No more crowd-pleasing ‘what we should do’ ideas. We’re playing the game.
So let’s talk about our goalkeeper. Petr Cech, in his last game ever. I think he should get the jersey, it’s the right thing to do, players are also very superstitious and… what?
HE IS MOVING TO CHELSEA AS A SPORTING DIRECTOR AND THE DEAL LEAKED.
To the bench Petr. You’ve been absolutely played here. Now you’re technically a Chelsea staffer, you cannot start.
How. Fucking. Dumb. This reminds me of the time we knew Cashers wanted to leave and we played him over Flamini in the Champions League final. DON’T DO IT AGAIN.
But, to counter, Mr Sarri is apparently the frontrunner for the newly open Juventus job. The Old Lady wants to play sexy football moving forward more in keeping with their flashy new brand, and CFC will let him go for £5m. Nothing like that as a little disruptor, am I right?
I was thinking about using racism against racism for winnertivity… hear me out. So Arsenal fans are good at the whole media thing. Let’s set up a fake Ancestry.com profile of Eden Hazard, make sure that it comes out as 80% Armenian. We’ll seed that news on social meeja using Arsenal fans to disseminate the misinformation like we dish out votes on internet polls. Then we’ll buy a banner plane and fly it over their equivalent of the TSA, it’ll say, ‘ASK FOR HIS DNA AT THE AIRPORT’. We’ll also flyer the city of Baku with well-produced advertising of his REAL nationality.
Hopefully, this will be enough to throw the authorities… he’ll be stopped at the airport. It takes two weeks for DNA to come through, we win the Europa, the WHOLE thing is a banterous scam, and the papers write how we used racism to prove that transfer clickbait is a scam… no… I’m getting mixed up. We used local racism to prove that love won’t help you cross a border. Ok, ok, I’m working on the case study narrative.
Scoff all you like… but do you have a better plan?
Back to Azerbaijan, I nominate Starapraga beer as the choice go-to. Why? Well, their website still uses flash, which is super vintage hipster. It’s a local beer… I found one called Afansa, with a really cool horse on it, but it was made by Carlsberg. This brand appears to be doing very well, stealing market share from the big boys, so it has an underdog spirit like Arsenal in this game.
Have one, and let me know how it goes.
SEE YOU IN THE COMMENTS.