Well good ebening my wonderful darlings, and how are we today?
Glad to hear it. Let’s crack on.
John Cross leaked the news that the travel booker at Arsenal is running team motivation exercises before the games. I’d heard that Arsenal do some sort of cringe David Brent huddle preseason, but the news that the responsibility is being passed to a guy who is making sure there are no sharp objects in Mustafi’s hotel suite was quite the revelation.
Outside the big fat bag of cringe this whole thing is, I have some questions.
Firstly, who came up with that idea?
Was it Dave Priestly, team psychologist to the meek? Is it one of his brilliant ideas he imported in from Saracens?
If it is… what the fuck are we doing listening to this guy. He’s here to improve mental strength and we’ve just lost three games in a row by 9 goals for the first time since 1966 (true, according to @AngryofN5).
Raul needs to sit this guy down on a bruised banana patterned bean bag and ask, ‘what have you done for me lately’ (Eddie Murphy accent essential here)? Does the team look mentally stronger this year? No. I mean, like, it did for a bit. But right at the season’s money shot, when you hope all those motivational chats would settle in, we’ve flunked terribly. They literally had a collective nervous breakdown. So WHAT is he offering up here? We are in mental strength regression. The LG team has see the motivational posters on the wall at Colney, but WHAT are they doing for the players? Nowt it seems. Maybe the posters could say better things, like…
‘DON’T DIVE IN’
‘LOOK BEHIND YOU’
’VARDY IS FAST’
‘RESIST THE PUSH IF YOU ARE IN THE BOX NEXT TO THE REF’
‘DO NOT LICK THE PLUG’
IMPORTANT QUESTION: What Mystic Dave talking to Mesut about? Is he digging into that childhood past. Asking him if his dad bullied him about being greedy at party buffets. Probing if his mum made him wear hi-tec Velcro’s BEFORE they were hipster cool. THOSE ARE TRIGGERS!
RAUL, the line of questioning he is using is psychological kryptonite.
‘When you see a long ball over the top, do you see your first childhood pet grinding under the wheels of daddy’s new Ford Focus?’
We need less players sitting with him. More help on the posters. Ultimately, maybe we need to bring back Arsene ringing the ‘MENTAL STRENGTH’ bell around Colney like that scary bitch in GoT.
Secondly, if this magical idea came from Emery, answer me this… why is he outsourcing it?
That seems a bit of an odd thing to do. It’s like he’s struggling to motivate these players, and he’s passing the buck. If you are going to make people do a David Brent, I can at worst understand letting the captain do it, but the guy charged with telling the players to NOT urinate in empty Lucozade bottles on the bus? Fucking mental. That’s like me getting my Uber driver to write me a pitch deck. Or my dad asking me to hold the steering wheel on the M25 when I was six because he dropped a Wine Gum under the seat.
I feel like this sort of carry-on shows you how little leadership is going on at the club. How is an operations guy getting charged for fighting in the tunnel at Palace? Who is nipping that in the bud? Who is paying attention to admin staff running the players motivational excercises? Who has a pulse on the training ground to stop bad leaks happening? Because the above reads like it was leaked to JC for a reason, maybe by the players who think this info needs to be out.
Also worth remembering, shared leadership ends in death or a lack of accountability. Where do you think Arsenal are?
EVEN MORE interesting that The Times say the players are frustrated by the tactics of Emery, and that the manager is more concerned with nullifying the other teams strengths than capitalising on what he has at his disposal. He was accused of this at PSG. Again, why do multiple journos have this? Looks like a choreographed leak by agents of players.
Also adds fuel to the thought I posed at the start of the season that he looks at Arsenal more like a small club like Sevilla than a big one. The big man needs to step out of that mindset, because firstly, he’s not doing a very good job of nullifying strengths of mid-table teams, secondly, WE ARE ARSENAL. Gung-ho or go home… pretty sure that’s what the Latin under our old badge meant.
We have Valencia coming up on Thursday, if there’s one pattern in Emery’s career that’s working in our favour, it’s the Europa League.
Valencia aren’t that bad. They went 2-0 up against Barca away and they beat Zidane’s Madrid. They’re also mathematically out of the running for Champions League spots. That makes them dangerous. What also makes them dangerous is we’ve been utter shite of late. Still, we have more quality than them and Emery comes alive in the Europa (kind of).
The manager has to save his season. I think people will struggle to defend him if we finish outside the top 4 and don’t make the final of the Europa. If he makes the final and loses, he’ll save enough to face give people comfort.
So basically, it’s a big game on Thursday.
Right, I’m done, heading to the work roof deck to practice my Arsenal David Brent special.
WE ARE ARSENAL
WE ARE ARSENAL
WE ARE ARSENAL
Damn, I could KILL A BISON RIGHT NOW.
Talking of killing things. Someone told me bears don’t kill deer… I was like, ‘bitch, stfu, they eat deer’… and she was like, ‘no way, bears are pescatarian’… I said, ‘check Youtube, bears do not have dietary requirements’… and oh my. Ruined my weekend and my dreams forever. DON’T LOOK (OR LISTEN).
P.S. Denis Suarez injured himself preening his beautiful hair. Gonna be sad to see him go. Nearly as many goals as Iwobi this season. Good luck. One of the most obvious terrible loan signings in years, and we have had MANY.
P.P.S HUSS MY MAN, you know this guy, get him in!