Ladies and gentlemen, the wait is over, I have returned to England. About as welcome as the second coming of Philippe Senderos, or a tweaked Aaron Ramsey hamstring. Regardless, it’s good to be back.
My flight? Oh, not bad. But get this, we’re on a packed plane, proper seventies, jammed in like sardines… and by the grace of Bergkamp, there’s a spare seat in my row of three. I’m sitting next to this Brazilian who is in the middle… and he doesn’t move for it? What the fuck is that all about? That’s like not getting back to Griezmann when he wants in. What a shocker.
It was pleasantly weird getting on the train this morning and hearing everything in proper English. It all sounds like an overacted American period drama porno. Not that I’ve seen one of those. But you know, when Downton is gone, what ya gonna do?
So, on that note, let’s slip into something tight and keep this brutally masochistic as always.
Manchester City are the ultimate fetish. A real ‘what could have been’ experience. Like sneaking into the dark recesses of the internet and stumbling upon something grotesquely delightful you know you shouldn’t be enjoying but you can’t help it. Pep Guardiola, long a favourite of Le Grove and its readers, is showing the world what innovative ideas and a curiosity for progression can bag you.
Interestingly, before the Spurs game, Thomas Tuchel was hanging out behind the scenes. Another master innovator I fear is going to end up somewhere like Chelsea.
Anyway, Manchester City’s Pep G are putting the ‘Fraudiola’ muppets to the sword in the same way the Xhaka-is-the-next-coming-of-Christ crowd have had to revert back to their caves to talk xG and radar graphs. He’s decimating the league after a single season. No one can get close. It looks like the Premier League is over, and it’s only December. Worse, it looks like their players are doing a lap of honour with half the season still to go.
Now, I don’t mean to be a little bitch, but does it not strike you as a bit mad for them to be dropping dressing room celebrations on social media and World Cup winning shows of passion after games? I mean, I get it, winning is cool. But the Premier League is a mean beast, it’s scalped enough shoo-ins to last a lifetime. Kevin Keegan lost it from 12 points back 1996. I’m not saying City are in danger of doing that, but you know, I kind of am.
The fat lady shouldn’t be singing this early, because there’s always a Dave Benson Phillips waiting in the wings with a creampie, ready to embarrass.
Anyway, Wenger sniping about not having money to splash when he dropped the Invincible’s is amusing. I think he had the second-highest wage bill and had enjoyed a duopoly in the league for 8 years. Sure, he might have a point about the petrodollars, but he has money to spend now and he’s still not doing it (or when he does, it’s so bad), so he should really drop that line of fire. As my mum said when I was younger…
‘No one is going to applaud you for braving the cold when you have a perfectly warm jacket indoors’
Aside from me thinking it was cool to go out in the cold with no jacket, she was right. Being cold is no fun, even if it does make you look double hard. That’s Wenger right there, he heads into the Premier League season saying he can do it without the safety gilet of players, tactics, contracted players, a sporting director, a proper chief scout and any sort of meaningful instruction. Looks great on paper, but the reality is, his methodology died ten years ago when others caught up to his genius and surpassed him.
Maybe Wenger should try spending some money, and doing some of the things that make Pep G a hero at all the clubs he manages.
Also, let’s stop with the ‘could Pep do it at Stoke’, it’s such a bollocks notion. No one asks if Zuckerberg could do it at Myspace, and no one asks if Obama could have done it in Venezuela. You play the cards you’re dealt. Pep doesn’t need to manage Stoke to satisfy Barry from Bradford who thinks you can only be a success if your ideas can translate to shite players.
Still, the great news is Spurs were well and truly spanked and their hero manager is in a bit of a rut that’s left him competing with Arsene Wenger for the top 4 (mind the gap lololol). A bit embarrassing considering the press he was getting at the start of the season. Not that I don’t stand by my praise of him, I’m told by people in the game he’s one of the best around, and that if his ideas were implemented at a proper club, he’d be a force to be reckoned with.
I’d not be surprised to see him very high up the waiting list of United when they finally bore of Mourinho football at the end of the season. He really is a piece of work, he’s spent all that money and his lackey band of journo’s are STILL talking about his need to invest. He can’t get the most out of Mikki, Lukaku is tanking all of a sudden, and their style of football is absolutely not the vision Fergie had when he left the club. A disgrace that any top class player would want to play 29% football, even if it is for trophies.
Fuck that, it’s the advertising equivalent of taking the paycheck to work on pharma or big tobacco. Which is exactly what I did, so fuck you.
Right, that’s me done. I’m back in the hood and knocking on doors if you said anything mean to me in the last year on twitter. Just kidding. But i might subtweet you spitefully, so stay tuned.
P.S. If you own a property and the council are the freehold and they drop a £6,500 bill on maintenancetainence… is that it? You just pay it?