Remember those days when you could eat a McDonald’s, head down the road and swing by the kebab shop and get a small doner roll, then get home and eat a crisp sandwich… and all would be ok the next day because you’d still be slim and beautiful?
No longer my friends. I eat one mini cupcake at work and my chair buckles. I have to regulate fun these days. The math doesn’t even compute. 2 days on the beers, equates to 2 solid weeks in the gym. How is that fair? It’s not. All these skinny kids at the agency eating double dipped sugary deep-fried cronuts with bacon and cheese sauce like it’s just fine.
I am not envious. But damn, I could drink a cup of queso right now.
Better than a cup of Tony Pulis upset? Nope. Not even close.
“We tell our players not to roll about, he still wanted to score but once he has missed, the referee should pull it back.
You know if Tony Pulis was a US Politician, he’d not be applauding the knee for a moment. A man happy to send his players out to viciously bully opponents getting upset about cheating. In a horrible twist of ‘hahaha’ his archaic interpretations of manliness have damaged his players abilities to cheat in more subtle ways thus costing him points.
In my head, that conclusion felt more dastardly and came with an evil laugh.
Talking Sanchez, there’s a story doing the rounds that he’s being eyed as a replacement for Cavani who might find himself pushed out the door by PSG. I mean, Neymar had a row with him over penalty taking, and apologised, so I’m not sure if it’s a certainty he’s off… but whatever, the French club are planning to offer him £9m a year and £275k a week. The story has come via a Chilean paper, which weirdly gives it more credibility for no real reason.
I’m not really fussed where he goes. I’m more concerned about how he’s going to play this season. Ozil and him being dropped in and out of the squad makes sense, I just hope it’s building to something. Aaron Ramsey looks promising, but he doesn’t create the chances Ozil does. Xhaka just looks like a lost lamb at the moment, he’s struggling for confidence and the Premier League looks like it’s passed him by for power and pace. Jack Wilshere shouldn’t be the saviour we’ve been dreaming of, but he now is as we fetishise about him as an 18-year-old like leary old football perverts.
Wenger really should have gone harder for a creator this summer. Can’t believe we’ve made a statement about keeping our two best players, just to punish them. TOTALLY agree we shouldn’t be playing them, but it was pretty clear they’d be useless if we kept them on this year, so it really makes little sense as to why we kept them?
After the ‘STRONG STANCE’ applause dies down from the media that think slapping down Johnny Foreigner is a very salutable English move, you realise we’re left in a dire situation where we use Welbeck and Lacazette to shift corporate season tickets.
This. is. futbol.
Amazing work from the creative team.
Catering: ‘Guys, the real star here is the food. Can’t we run with the copy, ‘THE REAL REASON NO ONE GETS TO THEIR SEATS ON TIME.’
Marketing: ‘Raymond, do I fuck with your dessert menus? Do I suggest a little less salt on your overly salty salt beef bagels? No. Catering DO NOT fuck with my art. You can have one dessert, but please, make sure the colors are representative of Arsenal. Consumers notice those details.’
Marketing: ‘Ok, so we picked WELBZ and Lacazette because they are the best we have’
Hospitality: ‘You fucking what?’
Marketing: ‘Err, yeah. They are our best, literally everyone else has gone.’
Hospitality: ‘You want me to sell three grand tickets with the promise of Danny Welbeck vs Bournemouth? YOU MAD FAM?’
Marketing: ‘You can have Theo?’
Marketing: ‘Yo, so we need to make sure this thing looks super chill. Like, almost working class, but not quite.That’s pretty in with the kids right now. You know, faking that you do working class things because that makes you seem more ‘real.’ Also, we want rich people to feel they are having an ‘experience’ so we have authentic locally sourced scarves and plastic beer cups containing true-to-North-Bank style warm Fosters.’
Hospitality: ‘But is the beer warm?’
Marketing: ‘Colder than a shower in Tony Pulis’ dungeon’
‘What’s the white dash?’
‘This represents the gatekeeper, but you know, like, in a progressive way. It signifies that there will be no working class folk here, and if they come, Jenny will take care of it.’
Total banter. I bought three tickets for myself and two of my hedge fund pals on Threadneedle Street.
HAVE A GREAT DAY.