Well, Arsene obviously tuned into my rage and rushed his ass back to London Colney… still wearing his Speedos, that was how quick the turnaround was.
Banter to see Yaya Sanogo rolling onto the training field, falling over, then joining up with the ball boys. If this summer is about anything, it’s the #ABY (anyone but Yaya). I get the jitters seeing him line up. Remember, two preseasons ago he scored 4 at the Emirates Cup, then we didn’t see him until, what, the Bayern Munich game where he started?
WHAT BANTER THAT WAS!
Imagine what Pep Guardiola was thinking when that announcement was made.
Back to Yaya in 2016. Man of 3 goals across Ajax and Charlton (it was a hattrick). You can see it, a backheeled goal from 40 yards in LA, Wenger, rolling into the prezzer, that smirk on his face…
‘Looks like the handbrake is off. You ask me to sign a superstar, I ask you to open your eyes. He is here.’
Anyway, fear not, there are some pretty OK names being linked with us at the moment.
1. Lacazette: Look, he’s ok. Lyon always have ok players. He’s not blowing things up, but he’ll still get a last minute goal against us in the Champions League. He’s pretty fast, he has good vision and he is ok in front of goal. But £34m? Not sure about that. Remember, this is a guy who was left out of Euro 2016 by France. Who took his place? Gignac. A player so bad he makes Giroud look like Pele.
2. Lukaku: I can’t quite work him out. 23 years old, he’s played 150 games for Everton. He’s massive, pretty mobile and very well thought of in football circles for his good attitude. His technique is a bit raw, his finishing is sometimes a bit off and he suffers from confidence crisis every now and then. He was also booted out of Chelsea by Mourinho, not that being kicked on by him is a bad thing. However, he’s not elite yet, but I’m sure Wenger could work wonders with him. Remember, there are plenty of striker who bloomed late… Drogba, Luca Toni, Jamie Vardy, Kevin Phillips.
3. Morata: He’s like the Ozil of strikers.
‘But he has no goals’
‘Man, if you don’t understand why no goals is fine, then you don’t deserve football’
He looks hungry, he’ll have been moved on by Madrid… but remember, he lost his place at Juve last season. He didn’t score a lot, he landed some assists. I mean, it’s an expensive bet at £40m. But hey, he has great technique. You can improve finishing. You can improve decision making. I mean, he scores in big games. He’s fast. He’s probably the best bet we have available.
4. Takuma: One of the Japanese journos said this of our new signing.
‘Takuma is not an elite player but we recognised he is one of the most talented players in Japan.’
Just as we thought. And look, the Japanese have seen players like Nakata and Shinji, so they know good players.
So, as you can see. The pickings are not ripe here. We don’t have the clout as a club to land Auba or Lewandowski (or Vardy). There aren’t a lot of other options out there you’d catch me taking a bathroom break for.
Well, bar James Rodriguez. He’s not a striker, but what a player. Imagine him out on the right cutting in on his left. He’d bag 18 goals in the Premier League. He’d cost a lot, but whatever, he’d raise the profile of the club and he’d be incredible.
Doubt we’d drain our funds though. Stan Kroenke likes the cash in the bank. Wenger likes his forever deal that seems to be dependent on not spending all the money.
Finally, Messi lands 21months for tax evasion, won’t serve a day of it. Pistorious is found guilty of murdering his poor girlfriend, will serve just 6 years.
When you’re famous, eh?
RIGHT. Have a good day my pretties.