Here’s a Villa post from my miserable mate, Tom. (@DownInAutumn).
Here are some things that have happened since Aston Villa last scored a premier league goal:
- 4 Football league managers have been sacked.
- Wojciech Szczesny has smoked 104 fags.
- Cristiano Ronaldo has scored 184 goals (probably).
- Arsenal learned how to play against big teams.
- Most Villa fans have given up on football.
Meanwhile, in total time on the pitch since Aston Villa last scored a Premier League goal, here’s some things you could have done:
- Watched The film Interstellar 3 times.
- Flown from Heathrow to Moscow and back again.
- Worked a full working day (probably less boring than watching Villa too).
- Climbed Ben Nevis.
- Zipped up Arsene Wenger’s coat 5 times.
Bottom line is, even with Arsenal’s arguable current weakness at the back, if you let Aston Villa score a goal at the Emirates today, you’re pretty much the worst team ever and you should immediately sack Wenger.
I mean, what is there to even say at this point any more? Villa’s turgid awfulness has been well documented this season, and despite a brief respite last week by beating Championship-gunning Bournemouth and scoring 2 (2!!!) whole goals in the process, the fact is we really don’t have much of a hope of leaving the Emirates with anything other than an increasingly dismal record of impotence. A reminder: Villa’s 11 league goals this season is the worst in all of English (and Scottish) football, by 5 whole goals, Alloa in the Scottish Championship have scored 16, and they’re really shit.
But just for a second, let’s look for some plus points. Well, our defence has actually been ok this season (same goals conceded as you lot) and that’s with a constantly revolving centre-half pairing that actually seems to have found a bit of a sweet spot with the dramatically improved Ciaran Clark and young Joses Okore. They have both performed admirably in the continued absence of perma-injured and ironically monikered ‘Concrete’ Ron Vlaar. He’s so lightweight he’d actually be a decent signing for Arsenal. I wouldn’t worry too much about Benteke today, he’s currently playing with all the gusto and enthusiasm of a Mesut Ozil thank-you video, but we have a much, much better goalkeeper than you do. So there.
There is a blip of optimism amongst the fans after the club showed a previously unheralded level of competence by signing Fabien Delph up to a long term contract last week (although the cynic in me says that’s a favour from him to the club to beef up his eventual selling fee this, or next summer). And then there is the name on every Villa fan’s lips – Carles Gil. I’m assuming you’ve all seen his goal against Bournemouth last week? That is the sort of quality that we have lacked for longer than an Abou Diaby injury spell. Gil is the glimmer of creative hope in an endless claret and blue sea of mediocrity, and we’re all hoping he can be our saviour this season already. But then again he’s a kid, from Spain, with a questionable record and has only played 2 games. But hey, we’ll take it where we can get it these days.
On that note. Enjoy the goal fest. See you in the pub with my head in a pint.