5 gifts every Gooner would wish for…

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Tis the season to be jolly. Yes it is. So jolly and happy. It’s also the season to demand presents. Trouble is I’m too old to play those games anymore. The sort of presents I want can’t be purchased on a a Primark gift card these days.

So here’s the top 5 Christmas every Gooner wants this season.
1. I want a brand spanking new centre back. No. I want two. Smart, technical and fast. Let’s put the emphasis on a ball player. I want two though. Give me a seasoned 28 year old and throw in a young one like Tyrone Mings. Make this happen Santa. Save our season.
2. An Arsene Wenger zipper coat please. That’d be sweet. I want to have a jacket that can double as a sleeping bag, a tent and a fancy dress caterpillar. I want it.
3. Some good spirit in the ground. Look, I know I’m one to talk, but maybe we need to start relaxing a bit. If you crunch the data, the hope we build every season is misplaced. Groundhog Day is a repeat of continuous situations… we know how it ends, so why not reframe how we react to it? Let’s be like the Dortmund fans. It’s way more pleasurable than going to the the ground for 2 hours to be upset.
4. I’d like a DM who is older than 16, Β but younger than 28. A fast mobile terrier who’ll shake things up. Needs to be mean. Needs to be able to pass. Needs to be the fire we lack in the belly of the team.
5. Arsene Wenger to get some self help books. For him to realise not having all the answers is fine. Address the knowledge shortage with experts, not a heavy dose of ‘more of the same’
That’s my list. How does yours look?
Ho ho ho!

282 Responses to “5 gifts every Gooner would wish for…”

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  1. Goondawg

    But everyone knows this, and I hate repeating myself. The only person who isnt clued in seems to be dear old Wenger. Still I will repeat last year and give him the benefit of the doubt to fix this situation. But Hell hath no fury like a gooner scorned if he tries to pull out a kallstrom under my nose again! Fuck that Shit!

  2. MidwestGun

    N5 –
    Lol. It’s ok. Takes all kinds I guess.. Some people have good points about AFC then feel the need to go all “stream of consciousness” and say whatever comes to their minds regarding their views on societal issues. Then it usually goes off the rails.

  3. salparadisenyc

    Technically Sal Paradise should be the key stream of consciousness poster.


    You seem to have Giroud at the tip of the sphere there… things are just getting weirder. πŸ™‚

  4. Goondawg

    Its very sad when that happens, because Rhys’ comments were always of a good standard. But recently this French and USa agenda has been creeping in. And the failure to understand why Henry (who has conquered EPL, La liga, MLS and is an ambassador of French Football) is getting paid more than the likes of Carragher and Neville, who never really left their comfort zones and seeked treasure elsewhere. NO RHYS ITS NOT COS HE IS BLACK FFS

  5. Tipster

    Would play debucey as cb on sunday, good footballer who would be well suited against lambert or the scouse Sanchez (lol). Not the long term answer though.

  6. MidwestGun

    Serious question has anyone else severely cut themselves wrapping presents?

    I mean, I know, Cesc Appeal mortally wounded himself sleeping. But this seems worse.
    Tape dispensers aren’t normally dangerous. πŸ™

  7. alexanderhenry

    I don’t have an issue with those sugestions for players. I would add this to the list though: 6. That the BOD give wenger enough money to buy them

  8. salparadisenyc


    I HATE tie dye.

    But something oddly works with this version, and the t-shirt does say: Me Fuck You. Obviously nothing to do with it thought.

    Happy music for happy people.

    Middy I nearly cut my pecker off with a tape dispenser. Another story for another time.

    Money were swimming in it matie.

  9. kwik fit

    AW: “I’ve spent 25 years of my life at Monaco and Arsenal together, so it’s a little bit like my life meets my life.”

    Hahahahahahaha Arsene’s here all week

  10. MidwestGun

    Kwik –
    Mine is the one with the stocking hat. Never can have your head too warm., I say. πŸ˜€

    Ha! It’s just I use dangerous power tools all the time, now I’m done in by a plastic tape dispenser.

  11. nasri's mouth


    Haven’t cut myself on a single present.

    Though my better half does all the wrapping so my potential risk is minimal.

    I’ve bought her flying lessons, and they come in an envelope so I guess my tongue is at risk when I lick it πŸ™‚

  12. MidwestGun

    Nasri –
    Haha…, ya…. you’ve got a keeper then. Why I don’t pay someone to do this, I have no idea. I’d give up a finger for a Prem. title but not a pretty bow and some shiny paper.

  13. Cesc Appeal



    Honestly, no idea what happened there, but the pain…was like being the arbitrator for Arsene Wenger in any transfer dealings.

    But I soldiered on because…well you know

  14. Nasri's Mouth


    It’s not all good, I’ve spent a lot of time in Post Office queues (though I think I’ve found a nice little quiet one for next year) and the postage has cost me about Β£120…

  15. Cesc Appeal

    Well I love Christmas…and all you grown ups talking about queuing up are just old men having a grumble…shall not be tolerated

  16. Cesc Appeal


    If you really want to get me something you can get me the job of being a sexual tag in for Sanchez.

    If he’s that exhausted.

  17. R.S.P.C.Arsenal

    So wenger will sign another yoot from Poland ? The next paddy ?

    When has one of this signings ever really worked ?

    Bartley ?
    Paulhino ?

    He has been doing it for years ?
    Maybe sczcency could be claimed a success

  18. MidwestGun

    Ya… Rough life. Sexual exhaustion.

    Goondawg –
    Your a brave man betting on French League.
    Had Juventus and Napoli today. Serie A much easier to call. Not always big returns, tho.

  19. Nasri's Mouth


    The kid from Poland looks pretty likely to happen. Though as he’s been called the new Vieira, I’m very not bothered

    We’ve got Szczesny, Gibbs, Bellerin, Ox, Ramsey and Walcott in the current squad that we’ve signed at a similar age that done pretty well.

  20. R.S.P.C.Arsenal



    They are the big name ones

    What about the other heap ?
    Plus would argue Rambo was not a novice
    Ox an Wally had played games for saints
    Give you the other two

    But he makes loads of these signing s a year

  21. Cesc Appeal

    “Diaby and Polish Vieira…and you STILL want me to sign people….you show me better quality than that that’s available and I promise you I sign them.”

    Reporter holds up lamp shade, not even the whole lamp, just the shade, and it hasn’t been dusted in months.

  22. Goondawg

    Lol Im going to stick to markets I know in future lads! πŸ˜‰

    Just cant resist the quick gamble lol. I had napoli and juventus, and bilbao also Mid so thats good atm. Benfica and Sochaux. not too good lol.

    Krystian Bielik is the polish kid I mentioned earlier. we can get for 2 mil. Hes 17, 6ft2 and a DM that has played twice for Legia Warsaws first team. So go us!

  23. Nasri's Mouth


    There have certainly been a lot of mistakes, but I don’t know the economics of it, you don’t need many successes to make it worthwhile.

    If we sell Jenkinson for Β£8m for example

  24. R.S.P.C.Arsenal


    That’s where it’s wrong ?

    Is he signing these young players for the chance to make the first team, or as an endowment unit trust money earner ?

    Did not work with bendtner , dhjourou. Denilison , Alberto Mendez …to name a few ,,

    Youth should be taken out of his responsibility !

  25. Goondawg

    Most likely bro, i’m not aware of the nitty gritty stuff

    Having watched him play though, he is the best 15 year old ive ever seen

  26. Highbury Daze

    At least he got 2.5 million for Djourou, cost nothing,he usually makes profit from the player on the original purchase price

    That’s why he buys cheaper players, this accountant is all about resale value

  27. kwik fit

    Breaking news……………… Shaqiri on the market for 10m

    So very very sad……..from pop goddess to high class hooker!

  28. nasri's mouth


    I think its a bit of both. Speculate to accumulate. Sometimes they’ll work out and stay and save us a load of cash, sometimes they’ll bugger off and we’ll make a load of money and often they won’t work.
    It’s nothing new, Wenger has been doing it all the way back to Anelka, who was probably his most successful. Recently Vela made us some money too. Even Fabregas was good business from that perspective, and whatever we’d all like to think, football is all about the money.
    Going head to head with the richer clubs is a dangerous tactic and one that is not going to work, so tryng something different is definitely worthwhile. Could we have done it better? Undoubtedly.

  29. the_real_andy

    I personally don’t see any problem in paying one or two million for a talented child. even if every 10th of them becomes good it is good business. what I don’t like is the fact we do not buy them in addition to “real” purchases but instead of … that makes me crazy

    in all honesty about some names mentioned by you guys, bendtner is and was a top class footballer with no brain at all. you don’t buy brains but football talent if you consider getting 14 – 17 years old and he definitely was. wouldn’t blame that on wenger. bendtner is just a dumb person as is balotelli with the big difference balotelli is a world class footballer with no brain while bendtner is just a top class footballer.

    did we get a genius in this polish guy? I don’t know and I don’t care at all. we need a good DM now (or better said we needed it about 5 seasons ago) and we should start acting properly in the transfer windows but the old man won’t

  30. Thomas

    ———————–New GK————————





  31. Cesc Appeal

    To be honest I’d settle for the strikers we have right now, Welbeck and Giroud aren’t winning you anything major but behind a WC option they are pretty solid.

    We should do a Chelsea, CDM and CB in January and then look to the summer for our big ST buy. And another CM as well I think.

    At least we’d be starting to develop a strong, balanced squad to kick on when Wenger leaves.

  32. N5

    Nasri, its one of the sickest jokes I’ve ever heard, but I can’t stop telling it. I almost told my boss today, but managed to stop myself…..just.

  33. salparadisenyc

    Top honors for prejoke Friday!
    The nightshift is yet to make an appearance, thing them boys will even find some humor in that one.

  34. salparadisenyc

    Think we may of got it wrong with Mandžukić, scored a brace tonight making it 16 in 23 appearances this season according to wiki. I might of even said a lumbering Giroud esque striker, last thing we need.

    One man party, kids are down. 16 year Lagavilin in hand. N5 drinking peepee.

  35. tunnygriffboy

    How do we approach Sunday ? Do we play deep and counter, be solid for first 20? Or, do we press straight from kick off like we did against Newcastle putting their defensive players under pressure ?

  36. N5

    Ha Ha Kwik! Mine too.

    I will rerelease the joke when the Friday blog is posted. I don’t want a single Grover to have no joke to tell at the dinner table when the family are round!!

  37. N5

    “Rumours about Pedro signing”

    We’ve been linked with him a few times. I assume his caravan has been told to move on!

    Pedro = Didicoy!

  38. Up 4 Grabs Now

    Debuchy looked settled at CB last Saturday against Newcastle, if Koz isn’t fit to play I would prefer him there rather than chambers. and Bellerins pace as well.

    the only problem is Per looked shocking on the left side of defence.

  39. Nasri's Mouth

    Up 4 Grabs Now: the only problem is Per looked shocking on the left side of defence.

    Part of that was down to having the wrong type of defender next to him, playing in an unfamiliar position, missing players and the whole side defending like a bag of drowned kittens.

    Hopefully with the players in front of him concentrating a bit more, a RB who is more experienced and better defensively, and a bit more practice he’ll look a lot better.

    Of course, it could be one of those days when Flamini decides he’s playing Algerian rounders rather than football and Sterling runs rings round Per…

  40. Nasri's Mouth

    Balotelli being out is an advantage to us, albeit a very small one, because ultimately it takes away an option for Rodgers, even if that option isn’t particularly great.

  41. WengerEagle

    I’m convinced that Yaya Sanogo never had any intention of becoming a footballer, he was a jilted mailman working on Balotelli’s home route in Italy and now is out to ruin Balotelli’s career by playing as him.

    The real Balotelli is being held captive as a trainee postman.

    Or maybe Balotelli is just a bit rubbish.

    Could be either.

  42. N5

    Ha ha Eagle, that’s about right. Sanogo delivered 2 pints instead of 3 and Mario got mad and refused to pay. Ever since that day, Yaya has vowed to make him pay in other ways. So far he’s slept with Fanny and outscored him in the ECL, next he’s going to take his home and his mum.

  43. salparadisenyc

    Pedro is our AA23, direly in need of defensive cover and Wanker buys another trickster with the size of a pea. Wouldn’t be the slightest bit Suprised. Although that would be a bit odd with our current roster of Campbell, Poldi, Gnabry, WAlcott, sanchez etc..

    Wenger is certainly a Martian… Drinking peeee. At least we’ve something in common.

  44. Bamford10

    Balotelli isn’t rubbish at all. He’s just a headcase whose game hinges entirely on where his psychology is that day.

    He’s actually a fantastic talent. Whether he ever gets his head on straight is another matter.

  45. Nasri's Mouth

    Balotelli is a very skillful player, but his attitude isn’t great, and he’s totally the wrong player for Rodgers Liverpool at the moment.
    However if they can get Sturridge back, he should make Balotelli look a better player than he does at the moment.
    Still, with Lambert already signed, and Sturridge having injury issues Rodgers should have looked for cover for Sturridge not a player like Balo.

    I’m against directors of football being in charge of signing players, but Rodgers could do with one.

  46. N5

    We’re just having a joke guys at Mario’s expense. We know he’s a talented guy. No one thinks we’re being serious that Yaya is better do they?

  47. Nasri's Mouth

    @Up 4 Grabs Now

    Possibly. I think it’s more down to the physical / psychological reasons of playing so many games since winning the WC.

    Still, get a fast, ball intercepting defender to play alongside him, and he’ll be fine.

  48. Nasri's Mouth


    Balotelli is clearly more talented than Sanogo.

    It’s a lot closer when the question is who has had a more positive influence on the pitch.

    …or maybe the question should be be, who has had the least negative influence…

  49. WengerEagle


    I’m sorry mate but I’m just not buying that.

    Balotelli is a product of the media hype machine, he isn’t and never was as good as he was made out to be.

    We’ve had mental cases before and a good example is Adriano. He made Balotelli look like Doctor Phil in terms of his mental well-being but he still completely smashed it at the highest level at a even younger age.

    What has Balotelli ever really done besides his two goal performance v Germany 2 and a half years ago that made you sit up in your seat and think ‘this lad is a world class talent’?

    At Milan he was disappointing for 2/3 of his spell there, he was awful in his last season at City and at Inter he was more of an impact sub.

    He’s never hit more than 18 goals in a season, that’s less than Giroud.

    At 24 as well and playing as poorly as he’s ever played before how long can you keep on playing the age card?

  50. WengerEagle


    Haha brilliant!

    I still chuckle everytime someone says his girlfriend’s name, I’m 12 at heart. πŸ˜€

    Btw the Sanogo comparison is just banter for those actually thinking we’re serious.

  51. karim

    I know we don’t need him but Pedro’s a fantastic player !

    And he never forgets his defensive duties unlike Arshavin

    Gimme more of those Barça rejects boy !

  52. Nasri's Mouth

    No way we’re getting Pedro.

    Only reason I can imagine for us being linked is because his agent wants a better deal somewhere

  53. Nasri's Mouth

    β€œWe’ve been in a crisis. With the decision of the executive committee today, the crisis has stopped.”

    Just when you think Blatter has maxed out, he comes out with another pearler

  54. Nasri's Mouth


    yah, that’s kinda what I meant. We’re being used as a negotiating tool in one way or another.

    And yah again, signing Alexis put paid to us signing Pedro.

  55. gonsterous

    Hello groovers… I want to play a little game * smirks*

    Who’s gonna win this weekend ??

    Southampton vs Everton
    Hull vs Swansea
    West ham vs Leicester
    Qpr vs west Bromwich
    Tottenham vs Burnley

    Of course I left out the obvious ones…. A fun game ( I hope ) and also gives me a perspective view on who to bet on..
    Yup.. just like Wenger… This is all abt me πŸ™‚

  56. Alfie

    Southampton vs Everton – Everton
    Hull vs Swansea – Swansea
    West ham vs Leicester – Leicester
    Qpr vs west Bromwich – West Brom
    Tottenham vs Burnley – Spuds

  57. gonsterous


    Seriously ?? Leicester ?? They have lost the last 4 games and drew before that.. but Santa does work in mysterious ways !!!

  58. Bamford10


    Sorry, mate, but anyone who watches Balotelli play — when he actually plays well — can see he’s a massive talent. Technical, athletic, powerful, dribbling, quality first touch and a cannon of a shot.

    No hype whatsoever.

    The problem is his head.

  59. Bamford10

    Pedro (the footballer) is the last thing we need at moment. If we signed him, we’d know with complete and absolute certainty that Wenger had lost his marbles.

  60. jwl

    Bamford10 – Balotelli is not a great player, no player can be considered great if his talent isn’t on show week in, week out. Balotelli is only great player when he’s in correct mood, which is not often, otherwise he’s infuriating and he seems to destroy team morale.

    Gons – Eve, WestHam and Spuds to win, Hull and QPR draws.

  61. london gunner

    This could be a bad weekend for us if we don’t beat liverpool.

    Chelsea will win 42 pts
    City will win 39 pts
    united will win 34
    West ham will win 31 pts
    tottenham will win 28
    southampton may draw 27 pts
    if we draw 37 pts

    We may well be in 7th place coming into christmas… that’s pretty damn bad.

    We should be beating teams like liverpool tbh they are such a mess and have bought so very poorly. We need to get this win we will only be 5th, but the psychological boost will be paramount

  62. Bamford10

    Liverpool will press us, I’d think, as this worked for them last season, where sitting back definitely did not.

    If we play as well as we did last weekend, I think we could actually beat them badly, like 3-0.

    However, if we are careless with the ball and give them opportunities to counter quickly against our back four, I could see them beating us badly, like 3-0.

    Or, just to completely hedge, I could see a 1-1 draw. πŸ˜‰

  63. london gunner

    Baloteli for me has the physical attributes and technique to be on a diego costa level…

    He was never going to be a thiery henry/zlatan/aguero(a fit aguero)/suarez

    Problem with Baloteli like Costa his got the cunt personality part down well, but has none of the fight, drive and ambition. Instead he behaves like a spoilt child on the pitch whilst Costa behaves like a possessed demon.

    Also when it comes down to intelligence Ballo really isn’t a very smart player his got good physical attributes and some decent technique(slightly overrated imo), but his one of the most stupid strikers I have seen in terms of positioning, timing and general movement.

    The amount of times his constantly needlessly offside. The amount of silly shots he takes. Doesn’t he have the highest amount of shots to equal a goal? His not efficient because his not smart and if your not working smart you should at least be working hard.

    If you watch him play his dreadful at running in behind despite being fairly pacey. If he just had the basic intelligence of timing those runs well that would add a strong component to his game.

  64. salparadisenyc

    Only time i’ve ever seen Mario play up to potential was the Euro 12.
    Beast of striker, a glimpse into the potential. Never hit those heights since which is a shame.

    One things for certain, he running out of matches to burn.