A totally-not-creepy, made up letter to the manager

by & filed under News Review.

courtesy @allthatchas

courtesy @allthatchas

Hola amigos, Alex back for a second bite of the cherry after Pete shat all over me yesterday by posting an article 10 minutes after I had posted my extremely illuminating one here. Not that I’m precious.

First things first, incredible news about the Hillsborough Inquest. Imagine you lost a relative at something as innocuous as a football match, then imagine the police lied and said it was their own fault, then imagine it took 27 years of campaigning to get the police to admit they lied and the truth to come out. 27 years. If you can’t find common cause with that then you’re probably not worth knowing.


So yesterday I made some predictions for the summer but given these were deeply depressing I thought I’d try the softly softly approach and pen a totally-not-creepy, made up letter to the manager. This may well be me jumping the shark but here goes:

Dear Arsene,

For next season please could you:

  • Define a role for Walcott, Ramsey and Wilshere. Isn’t it embarrassing that you have 3 players who’ve been at the club for a gazillion years and you still haven’t worked out what their best role is? Would Wilshere benefit from a deep-lying role? Can’t you tell Walcott to stay on the wing where he belongs?
  • Look at other formations. Leicester have killed the league with a 4-4-2. Could we look at that again? Maybe Giroud and Walcott could find some form playing as our poverty striking partnership? Would Ramsey and Wilshere be better suited to a 3-5-2? At least let’s have a couple of variations on our standard tactic. Which leads on to…
  • Work on your in game management. For a guy with 50 years footballing experience your two in-game tactics are still a) if losing take off your midfield and throw on some strikers b) if winning take off your strikers and throw on some defenders, BUT ONLY AFTER 70 MINUTES. Given the thousands of hours you spend watching football why not look at what other teams, ones who win stuff, are doing nowadays?
  • Rotate the team. Ok great we’ve got Shad in but you still beasted Sanchez and Cazorla until their hamstrings snapped. Look at what happened in 2008, 2011, 2014 and 2016. If you get the rotation right the team won’t fade away in March.
  • Make a list of transfer targets, then make a list of back ups. Then make a list of back ups to the back ups. Then go and sign them before the Euros. Honestly don’t worry about saving a couple of £million. And on transfers please replace like for like. You’re probably going to lose 3 midfielders so you need to sign 3 of those not 1.
  • Sign a striker, sign a striker, sign a striker
  • Show some humility. The facts are clear, your performance hasn’t been good enough. Rather than looking for excuses or talking up other teams, fans would be a lot more patient if you admitted your mistakes and said what you were going to do to improve next year.

If you do all these things I reckon we’ll definitely win the league or something.

All the best,


Ps please find enclosed some nude sketches of myself to show you that I’m super serious.


Ok that felt pretty cringeworthy but you catch my drift right? Given that Arsene almost certainly isn’t going anywhere, what changes would you like to see him make? (Please keep it civil, we are all grown ups here).

Very finally, why is everyone losing their shit about Joe Hart? The lad got thwacked in the stomach by the ball from point blank range and his eyes were shut. He’s a good keeper but that was not the save of the century.

Right that’s your lot from me. You can follow me on twitter @aldo_doel

Have a great day! x