Which tech start up is Arsene Wenger?

by & filed under News Review.

Big shout out to my man Schtupps for sorting this guest post today!


As Pedro is boarding a plane for a stag do in Bartttthelona, he asked me to write something for him. I have no idea why. It’s like asking Roy Keane to review London Fashion Week, sure, he’ll get words and sentences from me, but references will make you wonder if someone spiked your morning pint and in the end it will be about what’s wrong about society and not whether Sarah Burton channels Alexander McQueen’s vision anymore. See, you’re already lost.

I work in the startup world, seemingly as long as you can get from a football field in Europe (although I stayed at the same Palo Alto hotel as Sunderland this summer), but as Alex Ferguson is releasing yet another book, there is a link. Apparently (I won’t read it for all the fish in Wales) it’s a lot about management as a general practice and not only applied to football. And it makes you think, it makes you wonder, not how Alex McQueen was ever inspired by the depressive Norwegian side in Ole Gunnar Solskjaer, but where football managers would go if they went to Silicon Valley. This is a game that can easily be applied to any industry, just pick the one you’re in.

Uber, a startup that scaled faster than anything we’ve seen due to an extremely aggressive CEO who pressed high and attacked an industry that didn’t know what happened to them. Jurgen Klopp of course. And couldn’t you envision him as a cabbie in those sweatpants.

Amazon, also aggressively expanding to great success, beating a lot of other startups on their own games with video streaming, cloud services and food delivery, by doing what they do well and adapting, BUT seemingly at the cost of its own players who all came for the paycheck, yes you guessed it José Mourinho.

Facebook, well I guess we just have to give it Ancelotti. You can’t argue with the creds, three European Cups (WhatsApp, Facebook and Instagram…get it?), but he’s still not the first one you think of when your team starts to draw a few too many matches away. And you feel like you’re not really taking any risks so you start looking around, it’s just the same ol feed with cats making pasta. And now you just use the messenger app and say happy birthday three times a day.

Apple. Pep. Let’s continue.

Google, you can’t give that job to anyone but Van Gaal, like Larry Page he is unpredictable as it gets but also strangely adaptive. Like Van Gaal has reinvented ways of playing, so has Larry diversified his business. From the search engine that took over the world to driverless cars, glasses and crazy ideas like “solve death” Van Gaal will take over your club, and it will win. The stock will go up and down, it will be absolutely mental and you always worry about a lack of focus when you run fast in different directions. But you know that you’re going to make it.

I think you’re all getting bloody bored by this, I am writing it, so I’ll round this up with our own Arsene, I know you scrolled ahead to see where I’d put him, WHICH startup would WENGER run you’ve been wondering throughout this piece. Just tell us!

Twitter. Yes you think, I fucking love Twitter, it’s an awesome startup, yes, Arsene got Twitter! It’s one of the most beautiful startups we know, we use it everyday, we troll, we laugh, whenever we lose we go on it immediately to make the pain be more intense. Sometimes we even check to see what Piers wrote. But, to be frank, Twitter had one big moment, an invincible season, the hashtag…and then nothing happened. Not many new users came. Everyone else started using the hashtag and they never really developed a new strategy. Twitter is seen as one of the big ones, it kicked off a new era of the internet, it made it social. Everyone respects it and uses it, but it doesn’t grow. At all. And because of it, it never attracts the top, top, talent. Benzema laughs at Twitter. Twitter’s market cap is at $17bn. Facebook’s is $244bn. Apple at $620bn.

What would Bayern Munich do with uncompetitive Arsene Wenger?

by & filed under News Review.

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Well, we seem to be making a habit of completely embarrassing ourselves in Europe, don’t we?

Yes we do.

Last night, Arsenal went down to an Olympiacos that had an ancient Esteban Cambiasso pinning their midfield. We conceded an unbelievable 3 goals at home against the whipping boys of our group. We became their first scalp of an English team in 12 attempts.