funnies!
If you have anything remotely funny that’s football related, send it over and we’ll post it up!
I can do video’s, pics or text…
Update:
Thanks for this err… Pedro!
Ollie (Trash Can) T-Buzz (Riise)… thanks!:
A Chris double header!
Nice one Ollie:
Cheers Alain!
Who said Nuclear warfare can’t be funny?
Pat rice took exception to William Gallas’s misdemeanour against the Mancs.
“We have taken the appropriate steps he said candidly, it wont happen again”
That was mean’t to read, ‘real fucking ugly women with massive noses, don’t date Arsenal fans’. Thank god!
Arsene Wenger’s Diary, ghost written by ScubaGooner.
Monday 14 April
‘Wake up early. I set my alarm clock for later but, naturellement, someone has been in my room during the night and adjusted the time. I will not say who – we will let others judge.
I trip over the rug in my bedroom. The rug is not penalised in any way. If furnishings are allowed to keep getting away with these travesties of justice then it is the end for Arsene.
I am waiting for a package but my postman – who seemed to get himself in a good position - fails to deliver. Is my postman Emmanuel Eboue?
For sure it has not been the best of starts for me but I am working hard to make sure that nothing bothers me anymore but getting on with the job. I have lunch with my friend William at Pizza Express.
I have a Pizza a la Noci, but William doesn’t want anything off the children’s menu. I try to tell him he must have something and he goes out the door and sits on a traffic island for the next three hours. He is an excellent role model to my young team.
Next I meet Phillipe Senderos on a street corner. It is good to see him. However as soon as we leave that corner I lose him very easily and he spends the rest of the afternoon about ten yards away from me at all times. It is very frustrating.
I return to my car to find that a penalty fine has been given against me. Strange how all the other cars on the street have not been given tickets and yet they are all parked too.
The traffic warden tells me they are not parked on double yellow lines like mine. I tell him that I know what is going on, I am not stupid. He asks me what I mean and I smile and say ‘Let us think our own thoughts, mon ami.’
It takes me an age to get to the training ground. All the traffic lights are against me. Red and yellow lights everywhere, but only for me.
Finally I arrive and I’m greeted by my squad of wonderful players. Adebayor and Bendtner are holding hands and laughing and joking as usual.
Jens Lehmann is giving everyone fine words of encouragement as befits his status as our senior professional. Young Theo is coming on leaps and bounds with his French A-levels.
I call the boys together and tell them they are all winners. They play the best football. Then we play my favourite practising game ‘Twenty Passes Before You Can Score.’
Hoyte is terrible at this. Adebayor suggests we practise our free-kicks and corners – then every one falls about laughing! He is a funny guy.
It is great that humour can break the tension. I tell them another joke – that Alex Ferguson is going to buy van Persie for 10 million euros. Why does Robin not laugh?
Then I get serious with the boys. I tell them not to listen to the voices in their head that tell them to be paranoid. I tell them not to be neurotic – just leave that to me.
I tell them not to be concerned for my mental state. I may be a bit wobbly right now but I’m not Tom Hicks. I tell them that we will come back stronger, fitter and better than ever.
Cesc, le petit Espagnol, asks if I will be able to buy anyone in the summer to bolster the squad. I smile and nod. He need not worry. I have my eye on two Malian goat-herders as we speak plus a fine central defender from the Finnish second division.
In five years, I tell him, they will be football Gods comme Cygan et Stepanovs, especially the girl from Helsinki.
During training the boys look sad and tired. Moi aussi. Staying positive in this situation is about as feasible as winning a penalty at Old Trafford.
Sometimes, I think to myself that I am the only one who understood Eric Cantona’s sardines and trawler story. I too have been charting new territory in my elegant vessel the SS Arsenal (it would have been a 747 liner but we had to keep Bergkamp with us in the early years.)
Many have followed us with delight, but many others have tried to peck out the eyes of my vision. There have been stormy waters and troubled times. We were les Invincibles and maintenant, we are les Miserables.
My seagulls are not journalists and reporters. They are the sight-forsaken Rileys and Wileys of this world. These men of selective vision (and I know how that works, believe me!) People accuse me of having a persecution complex but these people are just out to get me.
I am a man of principle. There are ways to play le beau jeu but I know only one. I will not change. And we shall not crumble like an Englishman on the last day of a major golf tournament. And if it never succeeds again then it won’t be my fault.
Because I tell you this, mes amis:
Non, Je ne regrette rien!*
*Except picking Senderos. And moving Toure to right-back. Oh and selling Diarra.’
Thanks steve!
Arsene and the boys still up beat despite a lack of silverware.
Look at what Steve sent me! Cheers Steve! Thanks for taking part so quickly and helping me get this page off the ground!
Thanks for this Gazena… quite possible the most repulsive combination ever, its sums them up though eh?!
March 12, 2008 at 8:34 pm
Osama Bin Laden sent out a new video to prove he was still alive, in it he said SPURS were rubbish recently.
Britsh intelligence dissmissed it saying: ”That could have been recorded anytime in the last 8 years”…
March 13, 2008 at 10:23 am
What is the difference between a hedgehog and a busload of tottenham fans?
A) On a hedgehog all the pricks are on the outside !!
March 13, 2008 at 10:37 am
A Liverpool fan, an Arsenal fan and a Man Utd fan were all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze. All of a sudden Saudi police rushed in and arrested them. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offence in Saudi Arabia, so for the terrible crime of actually being caught consuming the booze, they were sentenced to death! However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they were able to successfully appeal their sentence down to life imprisonment.
By a stroke of luck, it was a Saudi national holiday the day their trial finished, and the extremely benevolent Sheikh decided they could be released after receiving just 20 lashes each of the whip. As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheikh suddenly said: “It’s my first wife’s birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping.”
The Liverpool fan was first in line (he had drunk the least), so he thought about this for a while and then said: Please tie a pillow to my back.” This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through. The liverpool fan had to be carried away bleeding and crying with pain when the punishment was done.
The Man Utd. fan was next up (he almost finished a half-can), and after watching the scene, said: “Choice! Please fix two pillows on my back.” But even two pillows could only take 15 lashes before the whip went through again.
The Arsenal fan was the last one up (he had finished off the crate), but before he could say anything, the Sheikh turned to him and said: “You are from a most beautiful part of the world, you have some of the best and most loyal football fans in the world. For this, you may have two wishes!”
“Cheers mate, your Most Royal and Merciful highness”, The Arsenal fan replies. “In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes.”
“Not only are you an honourable, handsome and powerful man, you are also very brave. “The Sheik says with an admiring look on his face. “If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish? What is it to be?” the Sheik asks.
“Please tie the Man Utd. fan to my back.”
March 13, 2008 at 9:28 pm
Hi Pedro & Geoff.
Im Trying To Help Get My Friends Site Of The Ground, Any Chance Of A Link Swap?
http://carlosvelanews.wordpress.com
Cheers !
April 3, 2008 at 8:05 pm
Hey Guys,
Can we do a link swap? I’ve put you’re link up already.
Keep up the amazing work fellers’
Chris.
http://www.gunnerslive.wordpress.com
April 4, 2008 at 1:59 pm
Liverpool’s Olympic Bid
Did you know that Liverpool had put a bid in for the Olympics? Here is a section of their bid that was leaked from the IOC…
OPENING CEREMONY
The Olympic flame will be ignited by a petrol bomb thrown into the arena by a native of the Toxteth area of the City, wearing the traditional costume of balaclava and shell suit.
THE EVENTS
In previous Olympics Liverpool’s competitors have not been particularly successful. In order to redress the balance some of the events have been altered slightly to the advantage of the local athletes:
100 METRES SPRINT
Competitors will have to hold a video recorder and a microwave oven (one under each arm) and on the sound of a starting pistol a police dog will be released 10 metres behind the athletes.
110 METRES HURDLES
As above but with added obstacles, ie car bonnets, hedges, gardens, fences, walls etc.
HAMMER
The competitors will be allowed to make a choice of hammer, (Claw, Sledge etc). The winner will be the one who can cause the most grievous bodily harm to members of the public within their allotted time.
WEIGHTLIFTING
From a standing position competitors will have various electronic goods placed in their arms. In order to complete a lift these must then be taken through the shop door and placed in a mate’s van.
FENCING
Entrants will be asked to dispose of as much stolen jewellery as possible within five minutes.
SHOOTING
A series of targets will be set up to establish the competitor’s ability over a range of disciplines The targets to be as follows: 1 - A Moving Police Van 2 - A Post Office Clerk 3 - A Bank Teller or Securicor Driver 4 - Their next door neighbours youngest child NB - This target to be followed by the ritual cry of ‘I thought he was a Bizzy’ or ‘He pulled a knife on me’.
BOXING
Entry to be restricted to husband and wife teams and will take place on every Friday and Saturday night of the games. The husband will be give 15 pints of Stella and the wife will be told not to make him any tea when he gets home. The bout will then commence.
CYCLING TIME TRIALS
Competitors will be asked to break into the Liverpool University bike shed and take an expensive mountain bike owned by some Mummy’s Boy from the country on his first trip away from home - Against the clock.
CYCLING PURSUIT
As above however this time the break in must occur at Liverpool Police Station and must be witnessed by an officer.
TIME TRIAL
The competitor who can waste the most of the court’s valuable time before being found guilty will be adjudged the winner.
MODERN PENTATHLON
Amended to include mugging, breaking & entering, flashing, joyriding and arson.
THE MARATHON
A safe route has yet to be decided, but the competitors will be issued with sharp sticks and bags with which to pick up dog shit, crisp packets and used hypodermic syringes on their way round.
MEN’S 50Km WALK
Q - Why does the Mersey run through Liverpool?
A - Because if it walked it would get mugged. Therefore for safety reasons this event has been cancelled.
RELAY
Each of four competitors to remove an appliance of their choice from a house in Cheshire and get it back to Liverpool using at least four different stolen cars.
ARCHERY
Each competitor will be given three needles, the winner will be the person who gets nearest to three different main veins in their own body.
DISCUS
Will be decided by which contestant can get a hubcap off a car and throw it to his mate the fastest. In addition the following ‘exhibition events’ designed at promoting the local culture will be introduced.
PILLOW EATING
The contestant who can get the most pillow in their mouth after their 18 stone cellmate takes a shine to them will be adjudged the winner.
GRAFFITI
To be decided on who can spray the most obscenities on a neighbour’s wall in five minutes - NB In order not to disadvantage local competitors marks will not be deducted for misspelling.
BASEBALL
Each competitor to be given a stainless steel baseball bat. Last person standing wins.
CLOSING CEREMONY
In an attempt to capture the timeless beauty of Liverpool, competitors from every nation will be chased across Stanley Park by Knife wielding locals.
They will then scatter to the four corners of the City to find their car aerial ripped off, driver side window broken and stereo liberated, with no sign of the lad who charged 50p ‘to look after their motor’.
Their assailants will return to the park providing a riot of colour and sound as their shell suits converge. The Olympic flame (if still in place) will be extinguished by eight Scallies forming a circle and pissing on it.
The closing speech will consist of the words ‘Everyone in Liverpool’s a natural comedian you know’ . No-one will laugh. Each visitor will be hugged on exiting the stadium and will return home to find their wallet missing.